Positive Alopecia Moment #1359

I recently started working again as a Night Auditor for a swanky boutique hotel in downtown Nashville, and based on past experience when I went to my interview I brought my "alopecia essentials" kit: a letter from my dermatologist explaining my need to wear wigs, hats, and scarves; a printed copy of the Americans with Disabilities Act; and a business card with my lawyer's name and phone number, and my godmother's name and phone number (she works for the EEOC.) My boss was very pleasant during the interview, and when I brought up my alopecia and asked if he needed the information I had brought, he told me that the GM had already told him about it (she's a friend of mine too), and that it was unnecessary -- he thought I was easily the most beautiful woman he'd seen in a long time and actually wanted to know how I managed to keep my scarves on with my head so smooth! Since I've been on my job (it's been about 6 weeks now), I've gotten more compliments on my makeup and my ability to match my scarves to every outfit I own than anything -- and that makes me feel wonderful! I've even come in once or twice on my off days with nothing on my head, which everyone loves -- and because boutique hotels are known for being unique, I actually fit in quite well with the theme of our hotel! I never knew what a relief it would be to not have to worry about alopecia on my job -- my coworkers and superiors judge me on my ability to do my job (which I do very well) rather than my appearance -- and this is the first time that my alopecia is an enhancement, not a detraction from the job I'm being paid to do!!! Just thought I would share that positive alopecia moment with everyone this morning -- hope everyone has a great day!

About my Alopecia blog

I started this blog weeks ago because I finally came to the conclusion that I needed to not only start keeping a journal about my hair loss, but I needed to keep a personal blog about it too. My friend Julia from Alopecia World suggested that I start writing down my thoughts about alopecia as it relates to my everyday life. For some years now I've felt so lost -- adrift, like I'm drowning and desperate for a life raft -- anything to help me make alopecia make sense. It didn't used to be that way. Once upon a time, I was bold, confident, almost arrogant in how I saw the world and how I thought people saw me. Then I started dating. At first, it was easy to not mention alopecia -- after all, when I started dating, I had a head full of hair, so what did it matter?

Then my hair started falling out again, and when my hair disappeared, so did the guys. Men are such disgustingly shallow creatures. They get turned on by big boobs and a nice ass and a great blowjob, but have all that AND be bald, and you might as well have leprosy or AIDS or some isolating, contaigous, deadly disease, because the effect is the same -- nobody wants to be with you. So I admit it. I objectified myself for a while. I tried to play a man's game. I figured I would love them and leave them before they could do the same thing to me.

But then I fell in love -- and I fell in love hard. From the moment I met Todd, I've felt that he is the one I've been waiting my whole life for. All I want to do is be near him -- breathe in his scent, kiss his lips, wrap my arms around him and feel his arms around me and tell him how much I absolutely adore everything about him -- and even when he pisses me off or hurts my feelings, I want him and nobody else.

But, as we all know, life is not meant to be a bed of roses. I'm in love with a man who hates my alopecia and and abhors my baldness. He has made it very clear that he will not be seen in public with me unless I cover my head. I understand his motives -- to a point. On the one hand, asking me to cover my head is his way of protecting me from the rude stares and questions I still get after nearly 30 years of living with this disease. On the other hand, by acquiescing to this request, I am consciously reinforcing what my mother drilled into me, consciously or not, from the time I was a small child:

Alopecia is something that should always be covered up. After all, even the Bible itself says a bald woman is an abomination, and a curse that should be destroyed. St. Paul says a woman's hair is her glory. And who are we, who are unworthy of God's unmerited favor and grace, to question the Almighty?

It wouldn't be so bad if people would just say up front that they don't like my baldness. After all, obvious rejection is easier to deal with than the ones who laugh at you behind your back and are nice to your face. I can't tolerate that kind of hypocrisy, and never could, especially now that I'm getting older. But despite my pouring out and boring my readers (read: you) with all the things I like and don't like, two things in this world remain constant:

1. I hate being bald. I hate everything about being bald. I hate having to draw on my eyebrows before I go to work and I hate having to ask Todd to rub my head when it hurts because I know deep down he doesn't want to do it. He doesn't understand -- nobody does -- how much of a comfort having my head rubbed is to me. I hate going to bed at night wondering if I'll wake up the next morning with no eyelashes or a bald spot the size of a baseball on the side of my head or anywhere else on my body. Most of all, I hate being asked constantly if I have cancer, as if cancer is the only condition in this world that causes hair loss. I especially hate being pitied because I look like I'm more fragile than everyone else, but truth be told I'm probably more resilient and tough than most people.

2. Because I hate being bald so much, in some ways I hate myself. Like it or not though, being bald is a part of who I am, just like being Hispanic and being black defines me. I used to be known for my brains more than my looks -- or at least, that's what I would like to think. I have to get comfortable again with being who I am, because I feel like I don't have that anymore.

I've tried so hard not to make my hair an issue in my relationship with Todd. Despite my best efforts, I've managed to allow my own insecurities to overshadow things, and once again alopecia sits like the elephant in the room, hovering as a dark cloud threatens a sunny picnic. Todd thinks I'm stupid. He thinks that I don't know that he's talking on the phone to other women that he's met online, and he sneaks out to be with other people, yet somehow I'm just supposed to smile like everything's okay and play along with it. I just wish he would tell me the truth about how he feels -- if an open relationship is what he wants, I'll give it to him. If my alopecia repulses him, I can deal with that too. I've never asked anything of him other than complete and total honesty. I've never lied to him about anything important, and I try to respect him as much as possible. But if my alopecia has caused him to lose all respect for me, then why bother in the first place?

Because love is blind, and sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees....

Alopecia and faith

I found another spot in my head today. Now, as I get older, I see that just a soon as I get excited about some regrowth, alopecia rears its ugly head and takes my hair away from me. Like a thief in the night, it sneaks in and puts a spot where I could have sworn there was regrowth, or it hides like a serpent, waiting for its next opportunity to strike. I've come to the conclusion that I am going to have to live my life much as I did when I was in school -- being totally bald and wear a wig or scarf and just not share my alopecia with anyone anymore. There are just way too many ignorant people in this world who don't want to know or even care that alopecia only affects my outer appearance -- my health and inner beauty is otherwise intact. Quite simply, in their prejudicial minds, once they have been corrected and they lose the chance to sympathize or empathize with me because I don't have cancer, they quickly lose interest -- and then the laughing, pointing, and name-calling starts.

Todd didn't like it when I asked him to cut my hair again, but unfortunately for him, being totally bald is the only way that I can wear a wig comfortably. Perhaps he will like the wig I eventually choose, and perhaps he won't. The only way to find out though is to go ahead and get the wig and let him see it for himself.

It's times like this that I find myself turning to my faith. It was so easy in the past to get to that place where my faith left me feeling at peace with the world around me and my alopecia in particular. Since I've grown up and have several recurrences of the alopecia, I've found it harder and harder to get to that place. Maybe alopecia as an adult is the valley that God has chosen for me to go through so that I have to seek Him out and give everything to Him. I get annoyed with Todd at times for his fixation on going to church and his obsession with religion, but truth be told, maybe I'm just jealous because he does have such strong faith, and maybe he's actually onto something. Either way, I shouldn't judge him so harshly for it, because my tendency to be judgmental at times is putting a huge strain on our relationship. It bothers me so much because I used to be able to deal with these issues with no difficulties. Why is it so hard for me to adjust all of a sudden?

My prayer for today: Lord, grant me clarity and discernment, that I may be able to cope with my alopecia -- and please bless my home and take care of everyone in it -- and please make the object of my affections love me as unconditionally as I love him. In your Son's name I pray, AMEN.

I said I would be better at this but...

Looks like life manages to steal what little time we have away from us. Trying to get used to being a night auditor again, back in the studying mode (as if we ever stop learning!), being in a difficult relationship that twists and turns in every direction, and deciding to jump into the choppy waters of parenthood (look out world, I'm cloning myself!) -- I should start anew with my attempts to get my blog out there and inspire and motivate others with alopecia like me -- I've contributed to the efforts of others, but now is the time to make a name for myself!!

Please stay tuned; I promise I will update more often!!!